January 2013 - How much is enough? We all understand that relationships involve compromise, but how much of myself do I need to give up to be in a relationship with you? Clearly, opposites attract: the shy person marries the outgoing person; spenders marry savers; people from disengaged families marry those from close, enmeshed families. Marriage offers us the opportunity to meet in the middle and grow in the very ways we need to. We must stretch the less developed parts of ourselves to grow into a fuller person. But, where is the breaking point? February 2013 - Choosing Your Partner While growing up, our families teach us about love and connection. They can be a source of sustenance and frequently, have trouble letting us go compounded by our own desire to stay attached. When we marry, we move on to create a new family, new attachments and structures. Sometimes our partners notice things about our family that we are blind to and we become defensive. Frequently they offer a perspective, which is useful, as they are not entangled in the web of our past. Often, we actually unconsciously select a mate to do our dirty work. We let them haggle with our mother, father, or sister rather than challenge old, familiar patterns ourselves. One problem is that sometimes our partner is not emotionally or physically available to us (working two jobs or drinking excessively or avoiding being home) and therefore our mothers or sisters are "there all the time" to help with the kids and offer emotional support. One primary task of marriage is helping with the process of separating from one's family and creating a new family together. You must always choose your mate over your family of origin but your mate must offer you someone to choose. March 2013 - Sometimes Like is as Important as Love Defining love is certainly complicated. "I love you, but I am not in love with you" seems to be a common, oft stated phrase. Clearly there are many types of love; love of a child (unconditional), love grounded in history and commitment to your partner, and romantic love when you are smitten and cannot get enough of your mate. Not much has been written regarding the concept of actually liking your partner; respecting, enjoying the essence, the being, values, and actions of the person you are married to. Love is complex. Liking is simple - either you do or you don't. Actually liking the person you are married to is a fundamental requirement for intimacy, joy, and pleasure in a relationship. If you do not like him (or her) it erodes time together and undermines involvement. April 2013 - Technology in the Bedroom Is no space safe from technology? Soon no one will talk to each other but only text. Already our teenage children do not respond to emails (screening us out) but only to texts. One of our clients told us that when she went to Thanksgiving at her Grandmother’s this year, each guest was greeted by a basket in the front hall with a sign: “All phones and tablets here please.” It was a shock to cut the technological umbilical cord but all admitted that Thanksgiving felt like the “old days” and the connections and energy at the table were noticeable. Why have we given in to electronics geared to simplify our lives, which only create distance? We know several families that have instituted technology free nights (including TV’s). Board games are coming out of the attics. Notice your bedroom. Is one of you on the computer and another on the tablet? Must you really respond to every text and email before connecting (human to human – no device) and going to sleep for the night? Devices are sapping our resources for the relationship. We are more concerned about recharging our phones for the next day than charging our relationships. May 2013 - The Three Building Blocks There are three foundation building blocks upon which all relationships are constructed. It is helpful to periodically take an inventory of each of these at various stages. The first is TRUST. Do you trust your partner? Can you expose your vulnerable parts to your mate? Do you bring your own issues with trust into the relationship from your family of origin? Is your trust-o-meter impaired? The second is COMMITMENT. What is the contract between you and are the rules and expectations agreed upon? Is one person always threatening to leave the relationship? Are you both clear about your commitment to one another and what you are committing to? Finally, the last building block we call SURRENDER. It addresses the flexibility and expansiveness of your relationship. You cannot always have it our own way (unfortunately) and thus for the good of the relationship must at times be willing to do something just because your partner wants you to. A surrender is not attending that party that you did not want to go to and sitting in the corner looking at your watch and saying, “Can we go yet?” A surrender is done with a generous attitude and forces you to stretch and to grow by pleasing your partner and opening yourself and your relationship to new opportunities. June 2013 - The Credit Gene We cannot state often enough the importance of giving your partner the benefit of the doubt and cutting your partner slack as a fundamental necessity of a loving relationship. These are aspects of having a generous attitude (open heart) vs. competition in your relationship. You are supposed to want your partner to enjoy pleasures in life (small or large) not resent them. Two aspects which undermine relationships are counting and the credit gene. For some reason, it seems that under the “opposites attract” category, there are the counters involved with those who do not even notice. Some people cannot help but keep track of what they do and accumulate a running score so that they always seem to be feeling the other person has a “better deal” (hardly the case). Then there is the credit gene. Women multi-task all day long and seem to take in stride working, managing a myriad of household tasks, keeping track of the kids’ appointments, etc. For some reason (societal roles and how they are raised?) men seem to require credit when they participate in household tasks or simply watch their kids so their wives can go to the gym. What some women do everyday seemingly without notice, their partner often requires an “Atta boy” or recognition. Though it may be a stretch, try hard to have a generous attitude toward your partner. Want for them what they want for themselves and try to help them achieve it. Then you are truly working together and the synergy created will spin off positive energy into all aspects of your lives feeding and nurturing each other and those around you. July 2013 - Choose One Trait Frequently a skeptic arrives in our office announcing that marriage counseling does not work because you cannot change a person’s fundamental nature. We agree completely and do not seek to change a person’s core being. It is important that one’s “true self” be supported and enhanced by the relationship. Changing a relationship (a fluid, dynamic, interactive process) involves developing an awareness of self and choosing to alter behavior. If you lived with you, what would be the most difficult traits to live with? Assignment: Do some soul searching and choose one of your traits that you recognize annoys your partner (always being late, being a backseat driver, snapping your gum). Do not announce it to your partner, but concentrate on not doing the annoying thing you do. Only pick one for now. Notice the positive effect on your relationship. August 2013 - Welcome Changes in your Partner This month’s Pearl is a companion to last month’s assignment in an effort to untangle Ritual Impasses and put water into the Love Reservoir. Making an effort to change an aspect of self that annoys your partner is only one half of the equation because one’s partner needs to be open and flexible enough to recognize the change. One of the more aggravating inner workings of relationships is: Things that we think about other become Etched In Stone We get a negative perception of a personality trait of our partner and then choose every opportunity to notice it and be critical. One aspect of change is a person working on an annoying part of themselves; the other is actually noticing and positively commenting on the change. If my wife is always late and keeping me waiting, when she makes an effort to be on time, if I say something supportive, it is apt to reinforce the behavior (remember the Credit Gene!). A little positive goes a long way! September 2013 - Letting Go As A Necessary Skill Recently, we had an interesting discussion in one of our groups in which the women were berating the men for being “shallow.” It seemed that the women were patting themselves on the back for “processing” things while the men’s position was “Are we going over that again”? It is common for a woman to bring up an incident, as it feels unfinished for her while her partner retorts, “We’ve already talked about that.” This scenario happens too frequently for the women to always be correct. Are there some situations in which it is healthy to simply move on and not keep dredging up misunderstandings from the past? Or even yesterday? When is enough, enough and how do we reconcile our differences in what we need in order to move on? Letting go is a necessary skill for loving relationships! October 2013 - You Reap What You Sow Too frequently we create the very situation we complain about: a woman is constantly criticizing her husband and wonders why he stays away from her; a man tells his wife repeatedly what an inept sexual partner she is and then complains that she avoids him in the bedroom. Change your lens and look inward rather than outward. Clearly, we reap what we sow. Observe a situation between yourself and your partner that frustrates you. Notice how you have been expressing your dissatisfaction. Has that been helpful or has it added fuel to the fire? Now take that same situation and begin to observe how you contribute to it. Speak to your partner in a more empathetic and understanding way about how this is a problem for you, taking ownership of your part, and asking how the two of you can begin repair. November 2013 - Affirmation At Marriage Labs, we are constantly trying to uncover the variables which combine to create a satisfying relationship, their interplay and relationship to one another, and their priority. Many are obvious such as communication, physical touch, and quality time together, and yet the single most important aspect is subtle, elusive, difficult to identify and often overlooked. It is embodied by the expression: You make sense to me, which helps me make sense of me. What this means is that we need our partner to “get” us, affirm us, understand us, and yes, even appreciate us. It does not mean that they need to agree with us. It simply means that we require a kind of affirmation of self in order to flourish. In a committed relationship we spend a great deal of time together and we provide a mirror to one another. If my partner does not “get” me or is constantly critical of whom I am, I start to doubt and second-guess myself. On the other hand if my partner recognizes the essence of who I am, can empathize with what it is like to be me, and even appreciate my spirit, then I can grow into an even fuller version of myself which is good for me and beneficial to the relationship. December 2013 - Do We Expect Too Much From Our Partner? As we move into the Holiday Season, we harken back to our childhoods when times were less chaotic and marital roles better defined. There was a time when marriage served a necessary function, as women “needed men” to take care of them and their primary role was managing the kids and the household. Neighbors knew one another and neighborhoods and communities raised the kids. Families lived nearby and everyone gathered at grandmother’s house for Thanksgiving and Christmas. There were fewer negotiations, life was more predictable, and everyone knew what was expected. Women no longer need men to “take care of them” in the same way. The relationship is horizontal not vertical. People no longer know their neighbors nor do families reside close by. We are more alone; more isolated and expect our partners to fill a whole host of needs that once were shared by larger entities (family, neighbors, communities). This is an impossible task as we are all spread too thin, racing about, to what end? During this Holiday Season, put down your smart phones and tablets, build a fire in the fireplace, and connect with one another so that our children can experience what is truly important; human connection.

past pearls 2013

December 2013: Do We Expect Too Much From Our Partner? November 2013: Affirmation October 2013: You Reap What You Sow September 2013: Letting Go as a Necessary Skill August 2013: Welcome Changes in your Partner July 2013: Choose One Trait June 2013: The Credit Gene May 2013: The Three Building Blocks April 2013: Technology in the Bedroom March 2013: Sometimes Like is as Important as Love February 2013: Choosing Your Partner January 2013: How much is enough?