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Common Themes and Issues
"You make sense to me which helps me make sense of me"
What does this mean to you?
Ask your partner what it means to them and discuss it with each other.
Marriage as a Spiritual Journey vs. Marriage as a Business Contract ... Intimacy and Connection vs. Peaceful Co-Existence.
All Couples Have Problems ... It is normal to have problems and we will look at problems as 50% - 50%... There are no good
guys and bad guys.
You Can Only Change Yourself, You Cannot Change The Other Person What do I need to change to improve this relationship?
Relationship Apathy ... We take each other for granted love is an action verb You can make a conscious decision to love
your partner
Relationships take hard work - They need to be nurtured.
Concept of Relationship as a Reservoir
Is your reservoir full or empty?
Competition vs. Generosity
Compassion and empathy for other they are not the enemy
we are in this together... There
is no Right or Wrong Just Different ... Do you want to be Right or Happy? Right or Married?
How invested are you in the
fight? ... "He'll Use It Against Me" ... Is making a reference to a shared vulnerable point ammunition?
You Always Hurt the One You Love
Why do people treat others better than their partners?
Family of Origin
How
many people (family members in you) live in your Relationship? Who are They?
Opposites Attract how does this influence the relationship?
Late night vs. early morning
Neat vs. messy
High energy vs. low energy
On time vs. late
Spend vs. save
Enmeshed vs. disengaged (family of origin)
Internalizers vs. externalizers
Distance Regulation in Coupleship some people need (want) closeness and fusion, others need (want) space and are more boundaried
Three Building Blocks of Relationship Trust - Commitment Surrender
Level I
Real Time you react to issues that occur in the present
Level II
Repetitive issues that have occurred between you and your partner over time … ritual impasses you react
to issues that the two of you have struggled with together
Level III
Your own stuff from your family of origin – you react to old triggers from childhood
Natural Developmental Stages of Relationship … What Happened to Our Relationship?
We loved each other when we got
married People change feels like a betrayal one person has changed the deal Does relationship have Flexibility? Is it Elastic?
Expansive? I love you but I'm not in love with you
Conscious vs. Unconscious Relationship;We started out, our roles developed, and here we are
Differentiation is Key to Relationship Success … Not only recognize your partner’s differences but love them for
who they are.
Moving from a Couple to a Family … what happened?
Kid Love (loving your child) vs. Adult Love (loving your partner)Definitions of Intimacy
Sex … Crock Pot (Female) vs. Microwave (Male)
Women need to feel close to have sex – Men need to have sex to feel close
Who Am I with you? Does this Relationship Bring Out The Best in Me? Do I like the “Me” in our relationship?
The “Works for Me” Relationship … Can a relationship work when one partner is unfulfilled? Awareness of
Other Quotient
Male Entitlement; Female Disempowerment …Men who take care of themselves (exercise, golf etc) and want their partner
to do the same (men helping women to feel more entitled) vs. Male Audacity - Men who feel entitled without regard to their
partner (double standard) … Do women enable them?
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