February 2012: Sometimes "Like" is as Important as
"Love"
Defining
love is certainly complicated. "I love you but I am not in love with
you" seems to be a common, oft stated sentence. Clearly there are many
types of love; love of a child (unconditional), love grounded in history and
commitment to your partner, and love when you are smitten and cannot get enough
of your mate. Not much has been written
regarding the concept of actually liking your partner; respecting,
enjoying the essence, the being, values, actions of the person you are married
to. Love is complex. Liking is simple - either you do or you don't. Actually
liking the person you are married to is a fundamental requirement for intimacy,
joy, and pleasure in a relationship.
If you do
not like him (or her) it erodes time together and undermines involvement.
January 2012: Etched in Stone
A couple
recently said to us; "we are not sure if the fights we are having are just
old, ingrained ritualized struggles or are they real, alive, and in the
present." This wisdom speaks volumes. In our reptilian brain there are
structures called striatum. These are well worn pathways that repeat themselves
over and over again. Sometimes, the "fights" are just old, familiar ritual impasses that we can fall back on
because we are tired, annoyed, or simply having a bad day. A husband who tends
to be critical of his wife recently completely lost sight of how well she had
done when he was away on a business trip and the electricity had gone off for
four days (including their heat!). She had managed their four children and all
he could say when he came home was how messy the house was (an old well worn
complaint). Did he really mean it or was it just a familiar mantra?
Things that we think about the other become etched in stone. We need to update our
"gripe list" and shed some of the old, no longer relevant issues.
There will still be plenty to argue about!
December 2011: Who do you choose?
One
aspect of marriage which is often overlooked is how we marry someone to do our
dirty work with our family of origin.
Our partners, because they are objective or outside the system, can
unwittingly become the foil for our own unresolved issues with our own
families. We may be unable to confront our mother or father or to separate
emotionally and thus we get our partner to drive a wedge for us. Our spouse can
see more clearly an in-law's manipulation or attempt at control, and though we
may protest and fight with our partner labeling them as not
"understanding," they may be onto something.
As a rule
we must stand by our partner, choose our partner over our birth family. Life is
a developmental process and one of the more difficult tasks is growing up and
leaving the nest. Sometimes our parents undermine that process (only
"trying to be helpful") and loyalty to family is pitted against
loyalty to partner. Who do you choose?
November 2011: Transitions
Transition
times are difficult to negotiate. Tensions rise packing for a trip, on the way
to the airport, or just checking into the hotel. Similarly there are daily
transitions; getting the kids fed and off to school, moving into dinner time (does
that exist for the American family anymore?), through homework time, to
bedtime. How couples mark the transitions is critical to the well being of the
family and the couple. Accepting and acknowledging the fact that transitions
create tensions is a first step. Creating strategies to anticipate conflict
helps to lesson the fight!
October 2011: Look in the Mirror
Too often we focus on the shortcomings of our partner rather
than their strengths. In fact we are all
experts on exactly what our partner needs to do in order to make our relationship better. Rather than complaining about what is not
there, love what is there. Notice the
ratio of criticism vs. appreciation of the other in your daily lives. Are you your best self with your partner?
September 2011: Decision Making
Human nature is interesting. If one person makes a plan the other person has free reign on poking holes in that plan. In coupleships there are the “psychopolitics” of the couple – the rules, which govern the couple’s behavior. How well do you know your customary operating procedure as a couple – who plays what role? For example, usually one person makes the social plans. That offers the other the opportunity to complain. Really good complainers wait until after the event to do their complaining; “the food was awful at that place”; “I never really wanted to go out with them.” It puts a lot of pressure on the one who generally steps up to initiate – it is easy to be the Monday morning quarterback who gets to challenge the plan. In decision making it is best if each person states their wants up front and then the couple can move forward with negotiations on equal footing.
August 2011: There is No Room for Competition in Relationships
It is important that we realize that we are on the same “team” when we are in a marriage or committed relationship. Oftentimes we lose sight of who our partner is in this fast paced competitive world and see them as the enemy rather than our ally. At times of stress it is easy to blame our partner, become petty, or go on the attack because of our own feelings of vulnerability.
The following Native American parable depicts this theme:
An old Navajo was telling his grandson about the fight that is going on inside himself. He said it is between two wolves: one is evil (anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, superiority, etc) and the other is good (joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, empathy, etc).
The grandson thought about it and asked, “Which wolf wins?” The simple reply, “The one I feed.”
Which wolf do you feed?
July 2011: Points of Connection
Too frequently we lose sight of one another. Our work, the kids, golf, the gym, “me time” all distract us from putting energy into our relationship. There need to be at minimum four points of connection: 1) when you awaken in the morning 2) when you part for the day 3) when you first see one another at the end of the day 4) when you go to sleep. Of course there should be others. What are your points of connection?
List your points of connection (separately) and compare them with your partner.
June 2011: Error of Assumed Similarity
One of the most difficult moments in a marriage is when you discover “we are different.” People select a mate thinking how well they get along and how similar they are but then one day the differences become glaring. Just because you like something a certain way (“it works for me” mentality) does not mean that your partner feels the same way. Ironing out these differences is a fundamental task of marriage. Not only taking other into consideration but truly appreciating the differences and loving the person for who they are.
May 2011: Sometimes Less is More
Frequently when couples contact us reporting that they are
having difficulty, they point to communication as their biggest
issue. Although we teach communication
skills and help partners use “I messages” to express honest sentiment, another
important aspect of communication is knowing when not to say
something. A large part of having a
caring attitude toward your partner is not “kicking them when they are
down.” Recognizing that someone is hurting
and not going for the jugular is a necessary part of communication. So in the heat of the moment, slow down, take
a deep breath and resist getting in the final word.
