We marry someone who over time forces us to confront our own demons. Marriage moves along developmentally as partners get distracted by the tasks of life – finding a job, building a career, buying that first house, having a baby, illness and death of a parent, etc. In the meantime each individual is progressing developmentally at their own pace in their own way. At times the very thing one needs to do for oneself is in conflict with the needs of the relationship. The marriage must provide a climate of safety which encourages a process of self exploration. Spouses must be able to grow in the ways they need to or the relationship will suffer.
One process which complicates the issue is embodied by the statement “you marry your worst enemy” which actually means you select someone who has the potential to challenge you to grow in the very ways you need to [variation of opposites attract combined with selecting someone who embodies parts of the parent you had the most difficulty with (repetition compulsion)]. However, the key is the emotional climate or safety of the relationship (the three building blocks of trust, commitment, and surrender) and how it fosters or impedes the growth of the individual.
If the relationship does not provide an atmosphere that allows the individual to grow, eventually the individual implodes – bursting with their own need to be their best self or true self.
Efforts at individual growth (self discovery) often challenge the fundamental contract of the relationship and each individual has to decide if it is worth burying their true self “for the good of the relationship”. Therefore, every marriage reaches the point of do or die. The issue is what people choose to do about it.
In doing couples work, the therapist needs to notice and take into account the natural developmental pace of the individuals and the couple. Sometimes what is useful for the individual in their own search for their truth, their need and/or pacing may contradict what is best for the couple. Similarly an action which clearly is in the best interest (support) of the couple may go against individual needs. The awkward and sometimes healthy tension of individual development must be woven delicately and intricately into the fiber of the couple.
Other Common Themes & Issues Covered at Marriage Labs
Marriage as a Spiritual Journey vs. Marriage as a Business Contract Intimacy and Connection vs. Peaceful Co-Existence
Three Building Blocks of Relationship Trust - Commitment – Surrender
Level I -- Real Time – you react to issues that occur in the present Level II -- Repetitive issues that have occurred between you and your partner over time -- Ritual impasses – you react to issues that the two of you have struggled with together Level III - Your own stuff from your family of origin – you react to old triggers from childhood
All Couples Have Problems It is normal to have problems and we look at problems as 50% - 50% There are no “good guys” or “bad guys” The object is to observe and learn about your ritual impasses Psycho-politics are the idiosyncratic rules that govern your relationship
You Can Only Change Yourself, You Cannot Change The Other Person What do I need to change to improve this relationship?
Relationship Apathy We take each other for granted … Love is an action verb You can make a conscious decision to love your partner Relationships take hard work … They need to be nurtured
You Always Hurt the One You Love Why do people treat others better than their partners? What is it about intimacy and closeness that creates friction?
Distance Regulation in Coupleship Some people need (want) closeness and fusion Others need (want) space and are more boundaried
You Make Sense To Me, Which Helps Me Make Sense Of Me
Concept of Relationship as a Reservoir Is your reservoir full or empty?
Competition vs. Generosity Compassion and empathy for other … they are not the enemy We are in this together … There is no “Right” or “Wrong” – Just “Different”
Differentiation is Key to Relationship Success Not only recognize your partner’s differences but love them for who they are
If Your Partner Says That You Have a Particular Trait, Entertain It As True
Beliefs That We Have About the Other Become Etched In Stone
Family of Origin How many people (family members in you) live in your Relationship? Who are they?
Natural Developmental Stages of Relationship What Happened to Our Relationship? People change – feels like a betrayal - one person has changed the “deal” Does relationship have Flexibility? Is it Elastic? Expansive? “I love you but I’m not in love with you”
Conscious vs. Unconscious Relationship “We started out, our roles developed, and here we are” Adult Conversation and Taking Responsibility for Oneself
Who Am I with you? Does this Relationship Bring Out The Best in Me? Do I like the “Me” in our relationship?
The “Works for Me” Relationship Can a relationship work when one partner is unfulfilled? Awareness of Other Quotient
Opposites Attract How does this influence the relationship? Late night vs. early morning, Neat vs. messy High energy vs. low energy, On time vs. late Spend vs. save, Enmeshed vs. disengaged (family of origin) Internalizers vs. externalizers
Moving from a Couple to a Family What happened? Kid Love (loving your child) vs. Adult Love (loving your partner) Definitions of Intimacy
Sex - Crock Pot (Female) vs. Microwave (Male) Women need to feel close to have sex – Men need to have sex to feel close
If you lived with you what would be the two most difficult traits to live with?
In relationships you can either enable your partner or challenge your partner to grow How do you enable? How do you foster growth?
Male Entitlement – Female Disempowerment vs. Male Audacity Men who take care of themselves (exercise, golf, etc.) and want their partner to do the same (men helping women to feel more entitled) vs. Men who feel entitled without regard to their partner (double standard) Do women enable them?
To learn more about Marriage Labs, call (781) 828-5533 or email marrylabs@comcast.net.
